2010: A Good Year

Every thing has an opposite. There is matter and anti-matter, day and night, hot and cold, fact and…

January

The year starts with a call for ‘sensible control’ with regard to lorry drivers' pay. Although, according to The Times, it should be remembered that attractive remuneration packages are the only way to attract the very best skills, there is mounting concern in some quarters about these six figure sums. High wages, the paper argues, could lead to an unrealistic opinion of self worth that encourages arrogance – for example, if similar payouts were made to bankers, it says, all sorts of problems could arise.

February

In the House of Commons, Prime Minister’s Question Time erupts and the Speaker has to warn both opposition party leaders as to their conduct. The Liberal-Democrat Prime Minister, Lembit Opik, had commented on the proposed Labour and Conservative Party accord, the so called Torred Alliance, saying a government formed from such a liaison would probably see the country at war, violent crime on the increase and the price of essentials, such as diesel, ‘go through the roof’. The Labour leader, Mr Balls, had to be physically restrained as he denied any cooperation with the Tories and Lord Blair for the Conservatives, shouting to make himself heard above jeering MP’s, said that whatever government he lead, no matter what it was called, would be ‘true-blue, through-and-through’.

March

Overcrowding at some Truck Stops, particularly at motorway service areas, becomes too much for some drivers, who demand action on the matter. The problem is not the amount of truck drivers using these facilities but other people attracted by the luxurious surroundings and high quality food. Some truckers go as far as to suggest that the price of a two-course gourmet meal from the heavily subsidised menus should rise to at least one pound. This, they say, would help to keep out some of the riff-raff. It was stressed, however, that tea and coffee should remain free of charge.

April

The Millennium Cannon, one of the great attractions of the South Coast, is running out of ammunition and may have to close unless a substitute is found, official sources warn. Since its opening in the year 2000, the enormous gun, a tribute to British engineering, has fired over 5000 Citroen 2CV’s back across the English Channel to France. Now the vehicle is in short supply. However, it is hoped the attraction will be adapted to take the Renault Espace. In other news, the Renault Magnum is made an honorary British Lorry, a title bestowed only once before when the Volvo F10 became a Scammell.

May

The Congestion Charge is hailed a great success. The charge, levied on train operators that fail to provide services that are suitable and efficient enough to attract commuters off the road, has lead to significant improvements to the rail network. The resulting reduction in the number of cars travelling into some major city centres has brought about the removal of bus lanes. In London, the Mayor, Jeremy Clarkson, welcomed the general fall in traffic and announced that in order to assist commerce all bus lanes in the capital would now be for the sole use of lorries – and Aston Martins.

June

The very last MAN rolls off the production line and the demise of the Munich based company is mourned by the German people. Although, in the end, these trucks were simply badged ERF’s, the nation’s pride suffers. This is partly due to feelings running high over the resent shut-downs of both BMW and Mercedes Benz. The EC canvasses member states on how best to deal with these closures, but rejects a suggestion that the factories should be flattened and a victory parade held.

July

Once again celebrations are taking place throughout England as the nation’s victorious World Cup football team prepare to fly home after their 5-0 defeat of Italy in the final. Some pundits have speculated that this year festivities might be less enthusiastic as complacency sets in. However, we should never forget, says Sir Bobby Charlton, chairman of the FA and England Manager for the past forty years, that although his team has won every final since 1966, Scotland have been a close second on several occasions, so we should take nothing for granted. At Wimbledon, Murray beats Federer to take the men’s title, again.

August

The Truck Show season is well under way and excitement mounts as it is reported that a foreign built truck could be on show at Santa-Pod this year. Thousands of British enthusiasts flock to the site in the hope of getting a rare glimpse of a Scania.

September

A diplomatic row breaks out after it is announced that the parent company, Foden, will be closing a number of its subsidiaries in the US. Although the engine maker Cummins will survive, a Foden spokesperson says that, as most American drivers prefer Foden vehicles over indigenous makes, there is little else it can do. Foden’s closest rival in the US, Bedford, declines to comment.

October

Cross-channel ferry operators report brisk business as many trucks cross the channel to the UK just to fill up with diesel. Although all foreign registered vehicles are forced to buy road tax when they enter the country, the UK’s fuel prices are still the lowest in Europe – and low enough to make the trip worthwhile.

November

The Man Booker literary prize has been won by the European Union for its work, EU Regulation 561/2006. The judges complemented its style, “... a complexity that bordered, in places, on the incomprehensible. An essential quality in any Booker winner”, they said. The judges also liked the plot, enjoying the fact that, in the end, so many questions were left unanswered. This aspect, they commented, was the work's main attraction. The fact that some parts would be interpreted in different ways by different people was, “simply divine ... a delicious mix of contradiction and the absurd”. They loved the fact that a British lorry driver, for example, could see the regulations in a different way, than say, a German traffic policeman.

December

The season of good will is not a happy time for all and at this time year our thoughts should be with those who are suffering. A rare form of metal fatigue, probably the result of being exposed to quiet, open stretches of countryside, is attacking speed cameras. Very few are expected to survive the winter. Scientists are still unable to find a cure but believe the problem is similar to the one that wiped out traffic light cameras in 2009.